Office E-mail “Gunfights”
June 18, 2009 by Judith
Filed under Grammar and Verbiage, In the Office
Gunfights usually end when there is only one person left standing. Unfortunately, it seems this also applies to e-mail gunfights. You know what I am talking about. E-mail differences of opinion or misunderstandings between coworkers leads to ongoing back-and-forths that escalate in emotion and nastiness each time the Reply button is hit.
As the fight ensues those less professional gunslingers will begin to Cc: superiors or management and “eTattle” rather than communicating from a point of knowledge and courtesy. Don’t worry if you see that, more times than not this type of response will reflect poorly on the Cc’er. You will find that you get a good indication of the other side’s level of professionalism when you are involved in these type of communications.
Much of this type of interaction has to do with the personalities involved. I’ve found the negative traits of having to always be right or get in the last word tend to prevail in the bloodiest of gunfights.
When you find yourself in the beginnings of a gunfight — wait until the next day to reply — if at all. Don’t worry about the expediency expected in business e-mail replies. It is prudent to think before responding in kind — especially when the other side is clearly gearing up for a face off at high noon.
Hopefully you are not one of those with a narcissistic personality that commands you make your point and be the one with the last word. That is not the type of approach that nurtures business relationships and partnerships. There are many times when a lack of response is exactly the type of response you want to provide.
If I find myself communicating with such personalities, I “kill” them with kindness. If the gunslinger on the other side just has to come back with more vitriol or nonsense to simply get in the last word, I let them. My ego is not wrapped up in proving I am right to those who don’t know what I do or who lack an open mind to be made aware of information or facts they have not considered. Nor do I have the innate need to get in the last word so that I have some sort of feeling of accomplishment.
Always take the high ground and realize there are good guys and bad guys in every gunfight. Choose to be the guy wearing the white hat and your career will benefit from that approach.
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Why do men in the workplace have to walk on eggshells and sugar coat responses to female co-workers? I’ve been in the insurance industry all my career and work in a predominantly female setting. As a straight male, I usually enjoy this aspect of the job. Unfortunately, I have a co-worker that communicates via email very abrubtly and always is quick to engage in email gunfights. Over the years, I have developed thick skin and usually approach hostile or abrubt emails with diplomacy. However, today I engaged in a rare occassion where I felt it necessary to respond to what I felt was an outright attack on my work ethic and professionalism. Even so, I wrote a firm yet professional response and probably proof read it a dozen times before sending. I thought the email was concise, to the the point and even apologetic to a certain extent. I merely clarified my previous email and requested the necessary information to resolve the issue. Thinking I would get a reciprocated apology and the requested information, I sent the email and BOOM! I got a fuming response indicating my email was abrasive and intimidating. She even went as far to say she took it as a personal attach on her, the new team member and my manger.(all were cc’ed by the gunslinger) Needless to say, I feel as though this is a male-female dynamic issue and I’m at a loss on how to take the high road without gettin my head ripped off. Please help me cope with a “HOSTILE” now confirmed GUNSLINGER….btw, the use of CAPS in the word “NOT” and a single underlined sentence seemed to trigger the gunfight. I always use the philosophy “kill’em with kindness” and “treat people the way I wish to be treated”. What advice can you provide to help me cope with this situation….Tired of sugar coating and walking on eggshells in South Carolina. Thanks, Gabe
Hey, Gabe:
Just let this person hang out there with their over reaction. If you truly took the high road and “killed with kindness” others will see right through whatever issues this other person seems to have.
While I can see the male/female correlation — I see it happen the other way around too and with same sex e-mails as well. Professionalism in business is about not reading into an e-mail what isn’t there (or to be an e-tattler and bring others into the conversation by CCing them). Because this person claims your e-mail was abrasive and intimidating — that doesn’t make it so. And, sometimes it is best to not respond to such over the top replies.
I think with e-mail we will always have to be uber careful to make sure our intent and tone is that which we want to relay. Knowing folks are reading into your message things that may not be there (that’s their problem not yours) makes it a given that we may always have to be on eggshells to prevent any unnecessary misunderstandings caused by our replies.
I, like you, take my time, reread, proofread and even read out lout e-mails that I know are going to individuals that tend to look for things that are not there. I make sure that my points are concise and that my message is one with clarity that cannot be misinterpreted. If after all that I still get a “response” that I know isn’t warranted, I then get sternly professional and reply point by point to their accusations being factual where misconceptions where made through no fault of mine.
At this point it may be a no win with this person if you reply again by e-mail. Instead, why not call a meeting where you and this person sit down with all those involved? You may find her to be much more docile when “face to face” with you and the others!
HTH! Check back and let me know what you did and how things work out, O.K.?
At your service,
Judith
I have found that the best way to deal with the “Gunslinger” is to pick up the phone and proceed to kill them with kindness through my tone and my words. Not only do they usually back down, but it clears up any confusion they may have had about my original intent. Additionally, it reduces the paper trail.
Sometimes replying back with a lethal dose of kindness via email looks patronizing and may not end up being perceived with the tone you intended.
BTW, I have found your website to be so very informative and valuable. I work at a growing law firm where email professionalism is one of our highest priorities. Thank you for your hard work and for sharing this knowledge with us!
Best,
Eve Logan
Hey, Eve:
Thanks for your kind words, great advice and comments!
You are so correct that many times by simply picking up the phone doing so can make all the difference in the world! Many times these “gunslingers” really have no idea how they are coming off or being perceived. By talking on the phone or face-to-face you avoid misunderstandings and in some instances diffuse what may turn out to be a volatile conversation if continued via e-mail.
At your service,
Judith
I have to agree with a lot of the points in this article. In the office, I have been brought into a lot of these types of gunfights and I find that the best thing to do is let them go and they will eventually just dissolve. Luckily, I don’t feel the need to have the last word.
Hey, Ken:
Thanks for your comments! Your approach is the best of all and one I too follow. Politics and e-mail do not mix and if you have something to say on an emotionally charged business issue it is best to do so in person or with the party involved on the phone. If more than one person is involved, call an informal meeting, video or teleconference.